Major D.

My BFF said it best, I’ve lost my derby boner. My passion for the sport has dwindled from 1000% invested to zero interest in any facets of it. I’m feeling the need to isolate myself and prevent people from coming into my personal space and derby is all about invading other people’s bubble. I’m feeling a loss, I need to grieve for my passion.

I am burnt out in many aspects of my life at the moment and I can’t seem to find a solution to how I am feeling. I know I have to give myself time, I have to ground myself, energize myself and find my joy again, I just don’t know how. Some moments I’m so happy and smiling like a goof, the next I’m down and on the verge of tears with every thought that pops into my brain. 

Chemical imbalance much?!

This mental health thing is quite an ordeal and I refuse to take pills for it, I know some people are quite happy with their meds and they’ve told me it has changed their lives but I cannot picture myself popping pills on the daily. I want to find an alternative to this solution, I’m thinking CBD and yoga will be my salvation but then I always fucking put it off, I don’t make the appointment with the doctor to get my card and I don’t show up to the yoga class. What’s stopping me? Is this another shitty aspect of depression, the lack of enthusiasm for healing?  It’s crossed my mind to just become an hermit, stop engaging with people, stop personal interactions, don’t get involved. Life was so easy when I was not concerned with matters of the heart, when I was not involved with derby, when I only worried about where my next dollar was coming from. Now I have stress triggers coming from all fronts and I realize that I need to fucking face the music of my behaviour, face my truth, face my words and make better choices, more considerate moves with myself and with the people in my life. I’m at a fork and I need to choose carefully which direction I’m going to go, I don’t want to repeat mistakes, I want to break free from patterns and vicious circles. I do believe this is possible, I can achieve anything, I know that for a fact but somehow my Major D is putting doubts in my mind about that belief. 

For now I’ll just pray and meditate, I’ll ask the universe to grant me peace. 

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