Great Divide

The last human that broke my heart really helped me build up my defenses and I have created this beautiful barrier. 

Along the years I met people, some nice ones, that smiled at me and made me think I could tear down this separation but it never really got to that until last December. A fox happened.

My fortress was pierced and I even helped the demolition, I feel foolish for it but I wanted to believe that a true connection was possible, a symbiotic union was in the cards for me. Today I see that I may not yet be ready. 

Last night when the realization dawned on me that the fox was no longer a viable option, I felt upset, after a night of strange dreams, I felt numb to the idea and most of the day was spent feeling like I had dodged a bullet. Tonight as I get ready for bed in my space, I feel an overwhelming sadness encapsulate me, a cloak of blues descending upon my soul. 

I am a fucking catch. 

I deserve to love and be loved respectfully. 

Spin

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I have been told that I make judgements, I have been told my notion of unconditional love needs fixing.

I have been told how I’m feeling even though I have clearly stated that I do not feel this way or that way. 

I have been talked to in a paternalistic tone and then told that I’m the one sabotaging the vibe. 

I have been told that I have anger even though I remain calm and the other party is raising their voice. 

I have been told I am not accepting of their different opinions 

Maybe there is truth in some of these statements but I don’t agree. 

I am a cold bitch. 

Cake

Two nights in a row with deep conversations, leaves me enlightened and shaky all at once. While talking to my Fox, I’ve realized shit about myself and also figured out some patterns I’ve applied to most of my relationships. Patterns that were beyond my comprehension and control for a long time, patterns that were impressed and imposed on me by my relationship with my father. He was a highly emotional soul but could not handle being that way because of social pressure to “be a man”, his upbringing in a patriarchal Italian family and being the first born male child. He drank is sensitivity away and in the process abandoned his true self and abandoned his child. It took many years, many relationships, for me to realize that no matter how good I was, how honest I was, I could always count on my partner for leaving me at some point. When they didn’t leave, I was the one abandoning the relationship but twisted the truth in my mind to play the victim, it was often the best scenario for me. Abandonment is a loaded feeling, you live in fear of being alone all the time, you often sabotage your relationships as a preemptive motion to what you think is inevitable.

This post is not about what a shitty string of relationships I have had, some were bad, some were difficult and some have led to great friendships, this post is about how one human can help redefine your inner dialog. Mine has often been a barrage of negative and being single for more than three years has helped me turn that negative voice into a positive, I have made upward leaps with my self esteem, confidence I didn’t think I could have, didn’t think I had the right to be this strong and now I find myself sharing moments with a good soul, a fox like no other. Ribbons of words are being strung between us and they are often forcing me into introspection, it’s a healing process that is at times very emotional but necessary for my growth and I am grateful to have him on my path. I don’t believe in randomness, I do believe we meet people and forge bonds with them when we are ready to learn from each other and this bond is getting strong, I know because I’ve learned so much already.

I am learning that I can be myself and I can establish boundaries and that someone can respect those without having to put up a fight, I am learning that having a discussion and sharing diverse opinions doesn’t have to end in an argument that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. I am learning that I can accept to be loved without fear, I am learning to love again.
Love always wins.

Mending

How do we know what longterm impact some people will have on our lives? Sometimes it’s clear from the start and the good feelings are immediate.

Just before Christmas I had decided to delete Tinder off my phone but gave it a few last swipes and a Fox appeared, he has been a solid presence in my life since. It’s a little surreal to think we have forged such a strong bond in so little time but when we are together I finally understand what it feels to have a companion that offers unequivocal support.

Sunday at derby practice I didn’t do well, my injured psoas major muscle was hurting and I couldn’t participate as fully as I wanted and I ended up stopping skating altogether. It filled me with frustration and sadness and as I was leaving with my derby wife, Mad Mac, we talked briefly about the Fox and she told me I should go see him. I took that advice to heart and went for a quick visit.When I got to his place, all I wanted was to be held and he did that, no questions asked, I didn’t have to explain anything, didn’t have to justify my presence.

Finding a companion that fits feels good, of course I still have doubts creeping in, I still question my motivations but I’m making a conscious choice to push away those thoughts and enjoy the moments we have together without placing expectations on them, without making plans that are far off in the distance and risking disappointment when they fall through. I have learned many lessons from my last relationship, these lessons came at a high price and my soul still aches at times, so I’m taking my time and making sure I voice my desire and my wants to this Fox of mine.

Since September 2015, my defense mechanism has been to be selfish and closed off emotionally when dealing with hookups but although I was getting sexual gratification, I didn’t get the spiritual connection, there was no sharing of ideas, no conversation of substance, hell, I often didn’t even know their names and they didn’t know mine. It was a convenience thing, I was using those people as toys and didn’t feel the need to get invested in anything that had meaning.

With the Fox it’s all so different and I’m quite surprised at how it unfolds, how it gets a little deeper every time we talk and see each other, like layers of paint being peeled off in a restoration effort, in fact, I know it’s my heart that is being restored to its original beauty.

Eight Wheeled Life

January 6, 2016, I had a name back then; freshmeat.

A year ago, I was scared, shaking and felt like a new kid trying to fit in with the cool kids.     I had been thinking about joining roller derby since September 2012 but something always held me back. First it was the year long commitment, how could I say yes to being here 12 months straight when my only goal was to get the fuck out of the YYC? Second, how could I engage in a physical contact sports when I was so scared of hurting myself all the time? Third, wasn’t I going to look like a fool learning to skate at my age?

A year later, I can honestly say that those three reasons were completely BONKERS!!            I can be part of the league/team and still travel (duh!), my body can take the hits and bounce back, I just need to keep it tuned and my age, really? That wasn’t even a valid reason!

A year later, I have found an extended family that stretches all over the world, a community that is inclusive and loving. I talk and laugh with people I would not have connected with before, that’s a good feeling.

A year later, I am so much stronger than I was, not just physically but mentally as well. Anxiety is still here but it’s easier to keep it in check, I have less fear about life and everything around me. I am also more assertive about what I want, what I desire, this is a big achievement for me because I spent the better part of my life not advocating for myself, try stepping on my toes now and see what happens!

A year later, I want to be more involved with everything to do with roller derby, I want to help grow my league, I want to promote this fantastic sport, I want to share the benefits of playing and belonging to a team that accepts you, flaws and all.

Come skate with us, you’ll have fun!

 

Soulsatisfaction

 

I have insecurities about what is happening between me and the Fox, the fast paced connection, the almost brutal speed of our intimacy, the way I just open up is unlike me. Wanting to connect with someone and doing it are two different things and for the longest time, they were very foreign concepts to me. I had the desire to connect, I wanted to have someone, a person, MY person.

We are very much alike but also quite different, our differences make me cringe at times, our similarities make me feel like I’ve found a mirror, comforting on some level, often destabilizing.

I’m usually very impulsive with my responses, vomiting words without a moment’s thought as to how they could be interpreted (often not how I meant them). Last night we had a talk and it always surprises me how I ponder every word that comes out of my mouth, making sure you understand my thoughts, making sure you get me and you always do. Our daily conversations have made me realize that I analyze my emotions, feelings and past experiences in more depth than I previously thought I did. It is very satisfying to know I have had some shitty relationships, some nasty people in my life but I have moved past them and now looking back I have grown so much and become such a stronger human for it. I have shed decades of fear and although I still live with anxiety on the daily, this me that exists now is so happy. Maybe you are in my life at the moment to make me see this aspect of my life, make me accept that I can find peace in myself. I am worth loving, I am worth unconditional love, I can dispense and receive powerfully.

Last year my goal was to be of service, help myself and others as much as I could, make this whirlwind of a life feel like it was worth it, make every second count. This year I’m continuing in this pursuit and I’m adding more layers, more filters, I’m adding LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. Both of those will have a lasting impact on me and the people that surround me, I am not here to convert people to a different dogma, I am not on a mission to turn people into what they are not, I just want to get along with folks that come in my life whether for short or extended periods of time.

 

 

 

2016

My year started with enrollment in the freshmeat program of Chinook City Roller Derby, a decision that has changed my life for the better. 

I also left a job that had been challenging me greatly, so with courage in my back pocket I quit. I now work with a wonderful family being of service, giving back. 

Then I got rid of a weight that was pulling me down energetically. I had several encounters with a man that was unhealthy for me, I had a moment of weakness but even if it took many months, my strength pulled me back from the grip of what could have been a long term battle.

I overcame a thirty years old phobia of elevators, and now I take those lifts as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Nothing to it! If you struggle with mental health, I urge you to find help and if you need someone to hold your hand, I will. 

I am hopeful for the coming year as I will be spending more time on my roller skates, loving more, learning more, smiling more and spreading happiness everywhere I go. 

Life is beautiful. 

Coquihalla*


I love driving, my sister thinks I’m nuts and it’s true, I’m nuts about driving, long distance especially. One thing I really enjoy about driving is going over the same route year after year and seeing it with new eyes, discovering details I hadn’t noticed before. This past weekend I combined the love I have for driving and for roller derby, I drove to Vancouver for the playoffs. As I was rolling along on the Coquihalla between Kamloops and Hope, it occurred to me that I am filled with so much joy every time I get to that stretch of the road, doesn’t matter what season of the year it is, if I’m going west on Highway 5 I know I’m going the right way. Those 186km are magical, not just because of the high peaks and the beautiful valley below but also because it reminds me that I may be trapped in an envelope of flesh but just like the mountains surrounding me, I am divine and powerful. 

Friday as I got to my destination, I parked my awesome Fit (less than $70 to do YYC to YVR) and I wandered around, happy and relaxed. 
I closed my eyes and let my other senses take over. 

That’s how it starts, the thrill of the new environment. The air is filled with infinitesimal ocean mist and as I breathe it in, it washes away the Alberta dust. 

Walking around aimlessly, going wherever I feel like, letting my eyes catch the next interesting thing to see and explore, like a child chasing a butterfly, taking it in, letting my spirit connect with the energy surrounding me. 

I have spent many years being closed off and afraid of everything around me, these feelings they may seem ordinary to some, but they are extraordinary to me and sharing them is no small task. I feel proud that I’m able to open up and share, it’s a lot cheaper than therapy! 

This Sunday was also a magic moment for me, I saw high caliber roller derby, teams I have only seen play online. Women, strong and agile, fierce and looking ahead to a common goal. The raw power displayed was such an inspiration for me to push through and keep practicing my skills. The energy of the crowd was also quite an event but I struggled with my sense of belonging and feeling alone surrounded by so many people. I know derby is very inclusive and when people get to know you, you become family but no one knows me, they have no reason to, I’ve not played, I’m just a small pebble that has just landed in a new pond. I tried, awkwardly, to talk to a few peeps sitting beside me but I’m socially inept at times and feeling the clique wondering who I was compounded those feelings into shutting me up. Nevertheless, I believe my passion (or is it an addiction?) to roller derby has deepened a thousand folds just from sitting through five bouts in a day. 

I am now absolutely ready to drive again, on many different highways, some old, some new, just so I can witness the voodoo of eight wheels gliding over a smooth surface. 

*Kw’ikw’iya:la (Coquihalla) in the Halq’emeylem language of the Stó:lō, is a place name meaning “stingy container”. It refers specifically to a fishing rock near the mouth of what is now known as the Coquihalla River. This rock is a good platform for spearing salmon. According to Stó:lō oral history, the skw’exweq (water babies, underwater people) who inhabit a pool close by the rock, would swim out and pull the salmon off the spears, allowing only certain fisherman to catch the salmon.

Thank You

All I wanted was tenderness, some cuddles, a human touch to make me feel good, what you offered was more than I expected. Multiple orgasms interspersed by bouts of ridiculous laughter. You shared with me a moment that made this night even better. Sure I could have been happy with just cuddles and yes, I could have been happy with just sex but I feel grateful that you felt comfortable enough to share intimately, it made the hours spent together that much more meaningful. I’m at a point in my life where being single is great, I don’t owe anybody any explanation and I don’t expect any from anyone. This freedom has come at a high price, I have had my heart broken multiple times sometimes several times by the same person, instead of making me bitter and angry, it has liberated me of the monotony of monogamy. I couldn’t be happier than I am at this instant, not just because I can still smell you on my skin but because I can tell you you’re not spending the night and I feel no anxiety about it, no guilt about saying goodnight and no shame in my pleasure. Took me so very long to accept this, my real truth, my independence. I know my worth and that feels amazing!! 

I really want to say thank you to you Mr. Anonymous, you have given me good feels tonight. 

Heat Wave


As I lay here, sleep elusive and distant, I think about you. There’s nothing between us except distance. We have agreed to meet, to kiss, to fuck. There’s no expectations except pleasure. I long for the desire that these thoughts make me feel. 

Nervous smiles, serious eyes, aware senses. 

The heat between our mouths as we lean in for a kiss, the tilt of our heads, your hands holding my head, fingers in my hair. Our bodies vibrating with anticipation. 

As I lay here, sleep elusive, I think about you. 

Things are simple and honest, no burden to suffer, no cross to bear. Just desire and fulfillment in the near future. 

You keep me awake as much as the Montreal heat, wishing for relief, feeling my body melt against yours. 

As I lay here, sleep elusive, I think about you.