Split Second

Life can change so quickly, I’ve heard this often and although I believe it, I never really paid much attention to it. On the day of infinite possibilities my life was rocked by a twenty six year old guy and his pickup truck. Maybe he was distracted by his phone, maybe his mind was on personal troubles, maybe he was eager to get his morning coffee. No matter what the reason, he didn’t break and rammed his heavy duty truck into my little Honda Fit. I am still in shock that my car is gone. That car took me places, from the desert of Arizona to the beautiful coast of California, from the Canadian Shield to the groovy Rockies and down to the beautiful British Columbia coast. We drove on the sandy beaches of Washington state and got lost in Oregon. That car was my shelter when I was homeless and my faithful companion on lonely road trips. 

I drive a rental while I sort out the insurance obstacle course, other drivers probably think I drive like a grandma, I keep a really safe distance from the other vehicles on the road, I go slow, I’m cautious and a bit weary of the cars and trucks in my rear view mirror. 

My life is changing and I accept it but I don’t like that it was forced into  change by someone that didn’t seem to care about what he had done. He never came to see if we were hurt, injured. Never came over to apologize for his insouciance in the matter. 

Today I’m contemplating how I can slow my life down without becoming a fearful human, I want to keep being active and keep exploring and learning. 

Life’s too short to waste it away on negative energy and on getting even. 

Let’s go out and have fun!

Storm


Monday as I drove back to the YYC, I was graced with a spectacular light show. The universe reminded me what beauty is, reminded me what love is, love for simple moments, love for nature, love for my surroundings.

As the sun was slowly fading to the west, the grey metal coloured sky to the east was contrasting with the yellow canola fields and green pastures. It moved me and I choked back tears, I was so emo at the show that nature was displaying.

I’ve made no secret of my feelings towards Alberta, since my move here in 2004, I’ve viewed Alberta through a skewed lens, most days, to say the least. I’ve never quite enjoyed the flatness of the prairies and although the mountains are majestic, they’re not the kind of thrills I seek.

So what’s happened to me, that I’ve started to like some of the views? What has changed in me to make me open my eyes to a new perspective of this part of the world?

My last cross-country road trip to Montréal last summer is partly responsible for this change, the roller derby community is also partly bearing the weight of this shift in me. Finding someone special, admitting it and embracing it is also helping me see what I dismissed in the past thirteen years.

Why would Saskatchewan and Manitoba be pretty to my eyes and not Alberta? Those two prairie provinces have always been exciting and I’ve enjoyed making stops there to discover places as I make my way eastbound.

I love fields, colourful and vast, yellow canola, purple flax, green corn, all giving visual pleasure to anyone looking for beauty in agricultural grid.

Last August, on the drive back from La Belle Province, we made a pit stop in Ontario to swim in Dixie Lake, it’s gorgeous there, peaceful, the water is perfect to cool down after a long time spent in the car sweating the Ontario heat. After a bite to eat we decided to keep going and made it to Manitoba, slept in the car in a truck stop along the Transcan, when I woke up the next morning there was a buzz in my belly, an excitement I hadn’t felt before and I knew what it was but couldn’t articulate the words to express the feelings. Has we drove on towards Alberta, I felt it even more, felt it more present in me, the feeling of being content with coming home, even now as I write these words, it sounds strange to me but it is what it is. I still want to move and live elsewhere but the reasons of this want, of this desire are very different and they are not based on unhappiness at being here, I just have a nomadic streak that needs to be fulfilled, I’m a gypsy, I need to roam and ramble on .

And so, this is where I am now, pleasantly surprised by the feelings I am finally able to express freely because I saw a stormy cloud, a pretty field and a rainbow. I guess sometimes it doesn’t have to be complicated to have a change of heart, just open your mind, let love be your guide, forgive yourself for being negative and reactive, leave the baggage where it belongs, in the past, it only weighs you down in the present.

Peace

Major D.

My BFF said it best, I’ve lost my derby boner. My passion for the sport has dwindled from 1000% invested to zero interest in any facets of it. I’m feeling the need to isolate myself and prevent people from coming into my personal space and derby is all about invading other people’s bubble. I’m feeling a loss, I need to grieve for my passion.

I am burnt out in many aspects of my life at the moment and I can’t seem to find a solution to how I am feeling. I know I have to give myself time, I have to ground myself, energize myself and find my joy again, I just don’t know how. Some moments I’m so happy and smiling like a goof, the next I’m down and on the verge of tears with every thought that pops into my brain. 

Chemical imbalance much?!

This mental health thing is quite an ordeal and I refuse to take pills for it, I know some people are quite happy with their meds and they’ve told me it has changed their lives but I cannot picture myself popping pills on the daily. I want to find an alternative to this solution, I’m thinking CBD and yoga will be my salvation but then I always fucking put it off, I don’t make the appointment with the doctor to get my card and I don’t show up to the yoga class. What’s stopping me? Is this another shitty aspect of depression, the lack of enthusiasm for healing?  It’s crossed my mind to just become an hermit, stop engaging with people, stop personal interactions, don’t get involved. Life was so easy when I was not concerned with matters of the heart, when I was not involved with derby, when I only worried about where my next dollar was coming from. Now I have stress triggers coming from all fronts and I realize that I need to fucking face the music of my behaviour, face my truth, face my words and make better choices, more considerate moves with myself and with the people in my life. I’m at a fork and I need to choose carefully which direction I’m going to go, I don’t want to repeat mistakes, I want to break free from patterns and vicious circles. I do believe this is possible, I can achieve anything, I know that for a fact but somehow my Major D is putting doubts in my mind about that belief. 

For now I’ll just pray and meditate, I’ll ask the universe to grant me peace. 

Hurtful 


“However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do if you do not act upon them?”                                  Buddha

I have been careless with my words, thinking I was being light and funny, why would anyone take me seriously. How mistaken I was!      

My words were cutting and singlehandedly hurt one of the most kind souls I’ve met in this life. This has pushed me to take a serious look at myself, the way I think, the way I talk to people. We all have issues we need to face, sometimes we avoid dealing with our shit for years, but it always catches up to us. This is a time of renewal for me, I want to be a better human, a better parent, a better friend, a better companion. It takes courage to own up and apologize about mistakes I’ve made, I am ready to find this courage in me. I am not alone, I know the universal power gives me strength to look someone in the eyes, open my mouth and let good come out. There’s no need for degrading words, love is all that matters, love is what heals. I want to heal myself and help others heal themselves, I think it’s the next step in my self recovery and in my life of service. I’ve been meditating and praying more in the past few weeks than in the past six months, it’s bringing me clarity as to what I want for the coming years, I want peaceful conversations, open-minded explorations and unafraid discussions. I don’t want to get angry at divergent opinions. I am a work in progress, facing this stressful life and weighed down by depression but in the end my soul will champion these circumstances.  

And So It Begins Again

As everything begins, everything must end.

Sometimes I push too much and I precipitate events into destruction. Maybe I should change my derby name, Love Destroyer. I seem to burn all my bridges, maybe I’m too demanding, maybe more high maintenance than I let on. I need a lot of attention, I need a lot of touching, I need a lot of love. I’ve pretended that being alone is fine by me but in reality I’m one lonely motherfucker. I’m ok being by myself, and have been for several years now but I miss the companionship that a love relationship brings. I’ll keep pushing forward because there’s no other direction to face, I’ll get stronger, clearer, focus my energy on roller derby, skate my life into oblivion. 

As it begins, it must end. 

Up There

It’s just a wave and I held on…

I spent the day with a very good friend, I want to say my BFF, someone I hadn’t seen in a minute, someone I’m now seeing in a new light. We shared feelings that made us cry, openly, no shame about it. We laughed too. We assessed our feelings, deconstructed some, fortified others. 

This is the kind of kindred spirit that comes rarely in a lifetime, we are both conscious of this immense love for one another, we both know it cannot be fulfilled the way we want it but we still hold hands, support each other and wish the other happiness. It is a fine balance between elation at being in the same room and jealousy at knowing there are other people in our respective lives. People that could potentially pull us apart, a relationship will inevitably put some distance between us and change the dynamics. 

How do I deal with this? Put some music on, lose myself, strap my skates on, lose myself, revisit memories we created together, lose myself. 

No matter what happens, I know in my heart that no one will ever hold me this way, no one will ever look into my eyes with such intensity and I love his soul for it, maybe more than he’ll ever know because even though I write about it, most often, words fail me to explain this to him. 

Basket Case

I am bruised, physically and mentally. I know the physical is temporary and I’m a bit concerned about the mental bruises. I have chosen to practice a sport that is aggressive, that is brusque, that is ego crushing. Yesterday I skated a painful practice, pushing myself further than I thought I could, I cursed, I cried, I hit and missed but always, I got up and kept going. It’s not easy for me to push and shove, to embrace my animal instincts and just go for it. I am a pacifist and I want to be kind, soft and cuddly with everyone but when those wheels appear under my feet I have to turn off my lovey-dovey personality and become a warrior, a fierce competitor, a cold ass bitch,  release my inner Frenchie, the one that will take down anyone coming at me. I’m still in the process of learning solid skills and I know that I can’t be an excellent skater so quickly, I need to see the learning curve for what it is, a lesson in patience with myself, that’s something I don’t have much, I judge myself harshly, question everything I do, shame myself for decisions, berate myself for behaviour that a grown-ass woman shouldn’t have. It has been a year and a half (almost) since I’ve started skating, I know I have come a long way and I also know I could have made more efforts. 

Skating has helped me be more assertive in my personal life, has helped me be more grounded, I needed that but I still find myself doubting what I’m doing. 

I am absurdly being promiscuous with strangers so that I won’t feel so lonely, often I’m not even enjoying those people, I just want to fill the emptiness and after each encounter the dread of my actions weigh on me.

I long for a strong and solid connection, one that fulfills me, I know that I need to find it within me before I’ll find it in another human being. I have to trust that I am worthy of my own love and patience. 

Easy Sleazy 

It’s all the little things that accumulate and weigh me down, today I feel it particularly heavy. There were a few hours where I was able to focus on something else but now it’s unavoidable, I need to get it out somehow. The gym wins.

The cloud of depression and self-loathing is very opaque this week, like a blackout curtain covering every inch of my being, it feels suffocating, breathing under water is not one of my skills.

This void in me, I will fill it up with very loud QOTSA on repeat and see what happens. Maybe I’ll act on my primal instincts, live dangerously, if I really listened to my inner fool, I would drink myself into a stupor and forget all responsibilities but if I start down this path, I know I’ll never come back.

Alcoholism can be a dry path, difficult to face up to this truth.

Trust that I am loved, worthy.

This Ain’t No Party

As the hours of the night slowly wither away, I toss and turn. My thoughts running a mile a minute. I have had no sugar, no caffeine, nothing that could explain this wide awake feeling my brain is sensing. My body is tired and wants to relax and sleep, dream away the first world problems I’m facing. There’s nothing that’s troubling me enough that it should keep me up at night, I am comfy and safe in my own space, I have my adorable monkeyboy by my side, loving people in my life and a fantastic derby family. 

So what’s really keeping me awake?

Is it that I can’t seem to break my habit of loving everybody too deeply and getting annoyed by their behavior that doesn’t match their words? 

Reflection of my own behavior?

Is it that I feel like I’ve hit a plateau on my skates and can’t move past that point?

I might never be the great skater I thought I would be. 

Is it that I want to fall in love but can’t be bothered with the inner workings of a stuffy monogamous relationship?

Love relationships are hard work for a lazy ass like me. 

Is it that I’m always worried about my finances and not being able to make it to the end of the month? 

End of work looming in the near future, not helping.

Is it that I’m concerned with the ice caps melting and flooding a few of my favorite cities?

I think humans are fucking up this beautiful planet for greed. 

Is it that I think I’ve failed my child in so many ways and don’t know how to rectify the situation?

It might not be too late yet, my parenting isn’t done. 

Is it that I still need therapy but don’t have the money to go see my shrink?

WordPress is cheaper, it’ll do for now. 

Finding My Happy


Today people are celebrating love in many different ways. Valentine’s Day has become a commercial day and I don’t celebrate it but I do take the time to love myself a bit more. Celebrate my achievements and be grateful for the good I have in my life. It’s easy to care for others and forget about myself and I have done that very often in the past, no more. I am the most important person in my life, if my physical health or my mental health are not on point then I am no good to anyone. I do not want to be a burden and I do not want to repeat relationship mistakes, mostly I do not want to feel like I have failed myself.
Love for my person, my self worth, those are things I didn’t think I deserved for the longest time, I didn’t think I could love myself, I hated my body, my brain, my inner chemistry, my differences, my quirkiness, everything that makes me ME. Now I know that all these things are what keeps me sane in this crazy world and they are also the things that make me loveable. I know some people think I am selfish and bitchy and moody and fuck yes, I am all of these. All different aspect of my personality, if you can’t appreciate me for me then move on and find a more “ordinary” person, won’t make a difference in my life because the people that matter to me are the ones that can appreciate my company and stick around.

I am a bitch and I am emo but I am also very cuddly and loving, I am generous of my person, my time, my knowledge and my vulnerability. I am giving and flaky all at once, I am complex and alien, I can be the hottest and the coldest but I deal with it and so should my friends, I do not mean harm. I can be silent for months, years and then reconnect as if no time had passed and what is time anyways, just something that stresses most people because they feel there’s not enough of it to go around. I believe most people are like me but because of social pressure, social masks, social roles they play, they forget how to be themselves, they think they need to fit into these restrictive characters and then they suffer because they are not finding their happiness anywhere.

For the past few years I have been rebuilding my happy, reconnecting with myself and progressing steadily on a beautiful path, of course I hit bumps and crevasses here and there but they have never made me feel like I was failing in my attempts to grow, instead they give me more strength, more courage to continue and pursue on this trail.

So today dear readers, love yourself with all you have, give yourself the extra care, you might not think you deserve it but you do!